When death visits

I haven't written in a long time.  It seems that everything I wanted to say had been said many times over in several different languages and forms so I stayed quiet.  This, however, is very personal and something that I need to write down without edit while it's still kinda raw.

I grew up not knowing my real family as I was adopted.  I was nearly of legal age before I knew that the people who raised me were, in fact, actual relatives who despised my mother and therefore kept us apart as much as possible.

So as a young adult I found I had two half-sisters and two half-brothers.  We all shared the same mother who was the neice of those who raised me.  Robert was about 18 months older (and the eldest).  I was the next in line.  Then there was Jeffrey who is about 3 yrs my junior.  Then Tina and Tammy.  This post is dedicated to Tina, who passed away today after a long illness.  She was in her early 40's.

I am ashamed that I don't know exactly how old, but assimilating a whole new family into your life after you're grown is a challenge.  I was grateful to hear that there were people who wanted to be a part of my life and wanted very much to be part of theirs.

So as young adults, my sister Tina and I partied, laughed, cried and shared everything we could think of.  She was a beautiful, vibrant woman whom I adored with all my heart.

I had to abandon all those good times when in the late 90's I admitted alcoholism and vowed to stay away from all those situations where alcohol was present and would be tempting.  After that, I only saw her once or twice a year at family gatherings during the holidays.  We grew apart again over mundane issues and didn't speak for years.

About two years ago I learned that she was gravely ill with what was thought to be cancer.  I never really got the whole story as I'm not in the "loop" for family affairs.  After all, I was absent for so many years I guess it was easy to forget I'm still around.

I've been told that I'm the "strong one" and can take care of myself - which may very well be true.  I still need comfort and understanding from family who wanted so much to be there but faded after the initial thrill was gone.

Anyway - I love my sister and I missed her everyday even before she passed.  I was told that I shouldn't call her anymore because I upset her, so I didn't...even when I felt I really needed to talk to her.  Now I no longer have the option and I'm overwhelmed at that prospect.

I will hold you in my heart always, Tina Michelle Vieth.  May you rest in peace.